Thursday, November 4, 2010

I wear a lot of hats...

And I look bad in all of them. The adjustment to being a wife, mom, daughter, and student has been a difficult transition for me. I feel like I can't be a great student, because I have other rolls that take time away from studies, I can't be a great wife, because I am a student and a mom, and I can't be a great mom, because I am a busy nursing student. So, I am only OK at all of those things. I realize it could be worse. I could be a really crappy mom (and lets be honest here...I have my crappy mom moments, more often then I used to), or I could be failing out of school! But the type A personality that hangs out in my most secret and honest heart is noisy. And I sometimes hear it louder than Charlotte at dinnertime (Charlotte likes to yell about how she is "AH DUN!" before I even put her little plate in front of her).
What is boils down to is that I am having trouble coping with the change. I tell myself that I have adjusted my expectations, but when I get a B on a test, I am disappointed. I tell myself that I am so glad mom is home with Char, but when she accidentally calls Grammy, mama, I feel hurt. I tell myself that I am just going to have to be ok with a different level of "clean," but I get pissy on the weekend when I am wiping off layers of dust from the furniture...

Maybe the expectation I need to adjust is to be ok with not being ok. I shouldn't be happy that I get B's, but I can't dwell on it. I don't have to rejoice that the baby calls two women in the house mama, but I can let it keep me down. I don't have to like the dirt, but I have to live with it.

Well I'll keep you posted...*she says as she adjusts her many levels of shifting chapeau's.*

1 comment:

  1. I think you look amazing in all of them. The thing is I think you are doing everything to be the best in all areas of your life, but to do that, it means you lose some of the credit--You are making sure that your kids have someone there with them when you can't be-that is what a great mom does. You are pursuing a career that will allow Jesse to follow his dreams in theatre-that is what a great wife does, and you are giving everything you have to do the best you can do in school-that is what a great student does. It's not about what the best anyone else can do is-it's the best you can do which you ALWAYS do AND make time to be a great friend as well. You are incredible Laurel. And I also think you are exactly on the right track when you mention being okay with not being okay. It's from those times that our biggest break throughs come. I am so proud of you and proud to call such an amazing, kind, wise person my friend. ♥